- The Psychiatric Report

The Phantom Menace

According to a psychiatric survey of aging geeks who saw Star Wars on its first release, conducted by the University of Fallovershire, the Phantom Menace commonly engenders the following trauma response pattern…


“No, no, the name isn’t just a lazy pulp cliché bordering on parody ACTUALLY! If you consider the trade embargo plot - which by the way is remarkably complex for a so-called kiddie flick you despicable hater – you’ll see that in fact the film’s title is actually jolly clever!”


“For Cliff’s sake, the looks of the technology doesn’t even match the original series. Why the fuck is there a bloke with Mr Whippy ice cream for a head on the Jedi council? And flobber dobber dob an’ ting to you too Brian Blessed you beardy bastard!”


“Alright, alright admittedly bloody Selbulba looks like the result of a Fly-style transporter pod accident involving Dastardly and Muttley but you must admit the pod race is pretty damn cool … Beautiful plumage, err I mean, high speed race sequences. What do you mean they should have been land speeders?”


“It’s all shit innit … I wasted years waiting this and for what … the Force is airbound Pantene pro-vitamins and seeing Darth Vader, the Dark Lord of teh bleedin' Sith lest we forget, being called 'Annie' … Talk about a fucking hard knock life!”


“Yes the Ewoks were the beginning of the end and Lucas isn’t going stop – he’ll run the franchise so far into the ground that the last piece of the Star Wars canon is going to be a flick book animation he drew himself, in crayon, released only as an app for the iTat in 2030. That’s what you get for mistaking a man who resembles a pygmy version of the Bigfoot from the Six Million Dollar Man for a visionary…”

JIM MOON, 1st June 2010